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5.23.26 - "I'm not hungry"
“I’m not hungry.”
That was my response anytime someone asked me to get food.
That was my response anytime I was offered to try a bite.
That was my response when my body told me it was time to eat.
“I’m not hungry.”
But I was.
I was hungry. I was so hungry, in fact, that all I thought about every second of every day was food.
What I could eat.
How much I could eat.
When I could eat.
As long as it was only enough to barely keep me alive, but not so much that I would risk gaining weight.
I thought that if I just kept losing weight, I was winning.
It was like life was one big competition to me.
If I was thinner, I would be prettier.
If I was thinner, more people would like me.
If I was thinner, I would be enough.
But it never was.
It was never enough.
No matter how much weight I lost,
How thin I became,
It was never enough.
The only thing I had lost was my life.
For the most part, nobody knew I had an eating disorder. I didn’t want anyone to know, why would I? I was embarrassed and ashamed.
I was ashamed that the only thing I could actually focus on throughout the day was food or exercise.
I was ashamed that I lived my life around when I would allow myself to eat next.
I was ashamed of how many plans I canceled because I didn’t want to eat out.
I was ashamed that something I thought I had control over, had actually taken control over me.
I kept it a secret. I tried to mask it the best I could. I put on a smile as often as I could, I made jokes when I actually had enough energy to think, I pretended I was fine.
That’s the part people don’t always talk about.
People with eating disorders don’t always avoid help because they don’t want it.
Sometimes, they don’t get help because they feel invisible.
Like no one sees it.
No one questions it.
No one recognizes it.
So they convince themselves it must not be that serious.
Because from the outside, it doesn’t always look like a problem.
It can look like:
“just eating healthy”
“just wanting to lose a little weight”
“just being disciplined”
But sometimes… it’s not.
Sometimes, it’s something much deeper.
That’s why awareness matters.
Not to label people.
Not to jump to conclusions.
But to notice patterns, and to care enough to pay attention.
Some signs that someone might be struggling include:
Frequently canceling plans, especially those involving food
Saying things like “I’m not hungry” or “I already ate”
Becoming increasingly focused on food, exercise, or control
Low energy, withdrawal, or seeming less present
Exercising despite exhaustion or guilt when resting
Constant negative body talk or attempts to “fix” their appearance
Avoiding eating in front of others or following rigid food rules
Seeming “fine” on the outside, but something feels off
One of these signs alone doesn’t mean anything.
But patterns do.
If something feels off about someone you care about…
trust that feeling.
And if you see yourself in any of this,
You are not weak.
You are not dramatic.
And you are not “not sick enough.”
You deserve to be seen.
You deserve support.
And you deserve a life that doesn’t revolve around fighting your own body.
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