My Story

Hi Everyone!! 

*I want to start with stating a trigger warning. Some of the topics I bring up and events from my past can be extremely triggering for those with an eating disorder. I will exclude certain pieces, as they can be harmful for those in recovery. That being said, this is the story of my battles and accomplishments, that led to the creation of Fuel Her Fully.*

I am Makayla, founder of Fuel Her Fully, I have anorexia, and this is my story (the short version).

I was always a kid filled with so much joy, laughter, and jokes. I loved to play sports, be active, and have fun with my friends and family. But, when I entered middle school and started to experience the social pressures for young women to be skinny and slender, all of what once made me who I was, began to drift far, far away.

Around age 12, I started to develop insecurities and wished my body looked like other girls' did. Then, I was introduced to a calorie counting app. This ultimately is what led to my downhill spiral that would take over 7 years to climb out of. 

I began to lose who I was, I was so absorbed in my size, shape, looks, just everything about my appearance. I started to get depressed and anxious all of the time. And then Covid happened. This is when my poor eating habits led to a medically diagnosed eating disorder. Because we were forced to isolate, it was created an excuse for me to justify not eating out with friends, exercise instead of socialize, and ultimately avoid anything that I believed would maybe lead to weight gain. All I thought about every second of every day, was what I would allow myself to eat next, how much I could eat, and when I could eat. I was so angry, irritated, exhausted, and never happy. I lost who I was. 

When we were finally able to re-enter in person school, I was a Sophomore in high-school. What I thought would help my eating disorder, actually made it worse. I started to exercise even more, play sports, work a part time job, and go to school. This only led to me justifying skipping meals or snacks with the fact that I was busy. I was constantly busy in order to distract myself from what I was truly feeling. Hopeless. I continued to distract myself all throughout high-school, which only led to even worse feelings of depression, anxiety, and even physical health issues. Distractions were never a solution, and there was no running away from my eating disorder, it had become a part of who I was.

I was scared, consumed, embarassed, and honestly, guilty. A simple daily activity, eating, that came easily to many individuals, had taken control of my entire life. Everyday I put on a brave face, in order to hide what I was really going through. Everyday, I felt terrified that this would be my entire life, I would never live a day without truly enjoying life without the constant nagging in my mind that I was hungry but couldn't eat, or that I needed to work off what I ate yesterday, it was consuming my whole being. But what isn't talked about enough is the guilt. What many people fail to understand is that eating disorders can almost be defined like an addiction. People say, "just eat", as if it's that simple, because believe me I wish it was. I cannot even begin to describe the guilt that I felt every single day for what I was putting my family through and how miserable I was after all that my parents have ever done for me. I live such a privileged life and I am so incredibly grateful, yet I was in so much pain. However, this guilt would prove to be one of my greatest motivators to recover.

At this point, I kept convincing myself I could get better on my own, without professional help. Which would lead to my ultimate downfall. As I entered my freshman year of college, I no longer had my parents to help keep tracking of my eating and that I was taking care of myself, it was up to me now. Only I didn't do it. I lost even more weight, I was even more depressed and anxious than I had ever been, I had no energy, I felt like nothing. 

It wasn't until my sophomore year that I had truly determined I needed help and I could not get better on my own. I decided to find a therapist, specific to eating disorders and forced myself to actually put in the work, without putting up any road blocks this time. I realized that I had three options:

1. Continue down the path I was on and risk losing my life

2. Keep my disorder and live a miserable and unfulfilling life

3. Take the challenge to better myself so I can better show up for my friends, family, and ME.

Obviously, I took the third option. This is where my struggles with our healthcare system and insurance comes in. Luckily, I am fortunate enough to have good insurance, and great access to healthcare. I am incredibly grateful, and I know many people do not have this luxury. Yet, it still took years to find a proper program that was covered by my insurance. Why did I need to use insurance? Because the cost of any health care in this country is outrageous, particularly therapeutic services. But this is a rant for another time. This process only led me to get sicker and sicker. I would find a program, and it wasn't good, I would find another program and it wouldn't have availability, I would find a program and they would say they were covered by my insurance, only to be told it wasn't after weeks of working on the application process. This only caused me to lose more hope that I would never get the help I truly needed, and prolong my eating disorder. Which is why, I created Fuel Her Fully. To provide support and advice for FREE, and eventually coaching for affordable prices (not outrageous costs), so individuals can get at least some support in the process of searching for a medical professional that is suitable for their needs.

Eventually, I found a program that was a great fit and would end up being covered by insurance. Now, I'm not going to sit here and say that it was easy, because I can tell you right now, it was NOT. In fact, I am actually still in recovery. I have had so many days where I continue to feel self-concsious about my body or hopeless that I will never truly recover. BUT, what I can tell you right now, only 5 months into recovery, I have never been happier, I have never felt more confident, I have never felt this strong, and I have never had this much hope. Hope for a life that is worth more than how much I weigh, how big my legs are, if I look bloated or not. I am worth so much more. You are worth so much more. And that is what I am here to convince you of.

You are worth it. Just by reading this, you have already taken the first step.

(Honestly, there is so much more to my story, stay tuned for more to come)